Ugh. December.

December is coming and I am starting to believe god is a figment of my fucking imagination. Again.

Wtf?!?

I just do not know. I am sitting here and thinking back on these last few months and I realize, Bob and I are still deadlocked in our chess game yet he has abandoned me at the table. Alone.

Maybe he wants to see if I move a piece illegally or give up. I am sick of tests.

He isn't completely wrong. In the last few weeks, I have had an overwhelming feeling to cut myself when the pain gets too bad. I have not gone through with it because that is not who I am.

Seriously. What the fuck? I guess I will continue to wait...

Week Nine

As I begin this writing, I take a deep breath of air. Nothing has changed over these last two weeks. Still disappointed, still stressed, still confused. Oh well... on to the assignment.

Meditation:

I don't know anymore. I cannot even sit and stare for a long time to look "within." I have no words to describe the state of mind that I am in. It's weird.

I just constantly question this. "This" being everything. In the last 72 hours I have contemplated cutting my hands and/or running away. Who am I becoming?

Prayer:

I have only talked to Bob about a few things. If he has listened, who knows? The topics?

• I need the strength to make a decision in my current relationship.
• I want the strength to stop hurting myself.
• I need the love I deserve around me.

Again, a breath of air. I just do not know.

Week Seven

With God/Bob taking a holiday away from me, my spiritual methods have become a saying from most mothers, "I feel like I am talking to a brick wall!"

But brick wall or not, I still attempted to find some peace with my methods. Instead, I found more disappointment.

Meditation:

I realize that the first thing that people notice about me is my looks but as I sit in front of the mirror and try to look inward, I can't help but notice that same quality. I have depended on my outward appearance to hide away the scared girl inside. I am scared. I sit for what seems like forever. Before I know it, I am in tears. I am so disappointed in myself and the more I look inside, the uglier I feel. I have to stop because I know where this depression leads; into my closet with a will in my head and a knife in my hand.

Prayer:

Dear Bob, Please give me the strength to be stronger. To be better.

That is it. That is week seven. I feel alone and drowning in disappointment.

Weeping Willows

He said he wants to rip out one tree and replace it with a weeping willow. That made me smile. I remember in high school when I was sad and lonely I would take the bus or drive to Forest Park and sit underneath a weeping willow. I would usually cry, question Bob. I felt safe, hidden away.

My body is burning from the disappointment I feel towards myself. All I want is to be able to run away to that tree. Cry. Hide.

I am scared of what is to come. I feel like Bob has taken a vacation away from me. Maybe he is sitting underneath the tree.

The Sun is Shining..

at least it was yesterday. Oh and also yesterday, I found out my uncle died on Thursday.

I immediately started to smile. I even did a little dance. When I got home, I popped a bottle of champagne.

My only sadness of this news: he will be buried next to grandma. He doesn't deserve that privilege.

Week Five

These last two weeks, I have found myself meditating and praying in the oddest places.

Meditation:

One:
Staring into the passenger side mirror. Looking at myself. Judging myself. Who am I? Why am I here? Ugh, Bob really knows how to get me to question myself.

Two:
Watching "Say Yes to the Dress." Stupid love stories. I am not a sensitive person yet I find myself in tears. Ugh, multiple sclerosis.

Now, prayer.

One:
Praying I hear Chumbawamba's "Tubthumper" for a sign to move on professionally when in reality I know that praying is just a pep talk. Ugh, reality.

Two:
Praying that fibromyalgia is really a made-up disease so I can be stronger than a fake mind illness. It sucks to be a prisoner of something that is fake! Ugh, craziness.

Ugh!! That is the word of the week. Ugh!!! I am really sick of life sometimes. Meditation... Prayer... Laying here, writing this... I just want to scream... So I instead am going to take some advil pm and sleep off my ughness.

Week Three

Yes, week three... weeks one and two were used to decide how this continuous fight with God was going to play into my spiritual methods this time around.

The last time I attempted these spiritual methods they were a great success. I was going through a really hard time in my life and they helped. So, why fix something that's not broken?

For my "spiritual practice," I actually chose two. Meditation and prayer.

Meditation for me comes easy. I have chose to sit in front of a mirror and look inward at myself. Physically and mentally. I use to do this for hours as a kid. Back then the time in the mirror would make me feel vulnerable and sad. At this point in my life, the time spent looking "inward" has proven to be helpful, yet not always easy.

Prayer for me is not easy. Again, reflecting on my childhood, prayer brought me vulnerability and sadness. The only times I would pray would be to ask for my parents not to die, the strength to kill myself or for the pain of my life to stop. After a number of years of realizing prayer didn't work, I gave up. Gave up on prayer and gave up on God.

I've said in my other blog that back then, my mirror game and my prayer sessions made me hate God and that this time would not be the same. This still holds true.

Deja Vu

There are a few theories on deja vu. The one I like best is the thought that dej vu is a sign that you are on the right path. I believe the thought "everything happens for a reason," therefore deja vu is a reinforcement of this thought process.

So why am I talking about deja vu? Simply because that is the feeling that overcame me while starting this blog.

This blog is designed for my world religions class at Franklin University, located in Columbus, OH.

I had the option to hand write, type or blog my weekly journal entries on the different religions we will be discussing and researching throughout this twelve week course. I obviously chose to blog, again.

This blog is a parallel journey of my Buiism and YOU!! blog, but a new one. This blog, like its sister blog, is more than a journal. These posts will share my journey of "experimenting with a spiritual method" AND my journey with religion.

Oh and this word Buiism... you'll one day find out what that is too...