Week Three

Yes, week three... weeks one and two were used to decide how this continuous fight with God was going to play into my spiritual methods this time around.

The last time I attempted these spiritual methods they were a great success. I was going through a really hard time in my life and they helped. So, why fix something that's not broken?

For my "spiritual practice," I actually chose two. Meditation and prayer.

Meditation for me comes easy. I have chose to sit in front of a mirror and look inward at myself. Physically and mentally. I use to do this for hours as a kid. Back then the time in the mirror would make me feel vulnerable and sad. At this point in my life, the time spent looking "inward" has proven to be helpful, yet not always easy.

Prayer for me is not easy. Again, reflecting on my childhood, prayer brought me vulnerability and sadness. The only times I would pray would be to ask for my parents not to die, the strength to kill myself or for the pain of my life to stop. After a number of years of realizing prayer didn't work, I gave up. Gave up on prayer and gave up on God.

I've said in my other blog that back then, my mirror game and my prayer sessions made me hate God and that this time would not be the same. This still holds true.