Week Nine

As I begin this writing, I take a deep breath of air. Nothing has changed over these last two weeks. Still disappointed, still stressed, still confused. Oh well... on to the assignment.

Meditation:

I don't know anymore. I cannot even sit and stare for a long time to look "within." I have no words to describe the state of mind that I am in. It's weird.

I just constantly question this. "This" being everything. In the last 72 hours I have contemplated cutting my hands and/or running away. Who am I becoming?

Prayer:

I have only talked to Bob about a few things. If he has listened, who knows? The topics?

• I need the strength to make a decision in my current relationship.
• I want the strength to stop hurting myself.
• I need the love I deserve around me.

Again, a breath of air. I just do not know.

Week Seven

With God/Bob taking a holiday away from me, my spiritual methods have become a saying from most mothers, "I feel like I am talking to a brick wall!"

But brick wall or not, I still attempted to find some peace with my methods. Instead, I found more disappointment.

Meditation:

I realize that the first thing that people notice about me is my looks but as I sit in front of the mirror and try to look inward, I can't help but notice that same quality. I have depended on my outward appearance to hide away the scared girl inside. I am scared. I sit for what seems like forever. Before I know it, I am in tears. I am so disappointed in myself and the more I look inside, the uglier I feel. I have to stop because I know where this depression leads; into my closet with a will in my head and a knife in my hand.

Prayer:

Dear Bob, Please give me the strength to be stronger. To be better.

That is it. That is week seven. I feel alone and drowning in disappointment.

Weeping Willows

He said he wants to rip out one tree and replace it with a weeping willow. That made me smile. I remember in high school when I was sad and lonely I would take the bus or drive to Forest Park and sit underneath a weeping willow. I would usually cry, question Bob. I felt safe, hidden away.

My body is burning from the disappointment I feel towards myself. All I want is to be able to run away to that tree. Cry. Hide.

I am scared of what is to come. I feel like Bob has taken a vacation away from me. Maybe he is sitting underneath the tree.